Trauma Response

Hello all,

A few weeks ago, I wrote this to help myself process and understand a trauma response I experienced recently.

Trigger Warning: While I don’t directly discuss my trauma, I do explore the emotions and feelings associated with it.

When I was young — honestly, too young — I went through some things with bullies. That trauma has defined me for the last 28 years or so. It held me back and kept me from finding the true me. Because of this trauma, I sometimes run into situations that trigger a trauma response. I become extremely anxious. It feels like a buildup from deep within that makes my heart feel heavy, like a press is squeezing it. I also feel it in my back, like weight is being added. I start to feel like I’ve done something wrong and quickly begin questioning everything. I get to the edge of having a panic attack and breaking down. This response occurs when I’m being yelled at, disciplined, or made to feel as if I’ve done something wrong — when I haven’t done anything wrong.

The biggest example I can remember from my life is from the Air Force. Where I worked, it was a secure area, and not just anyone could get in. At some point, we were audited and told that if we didn’t know who someone was or why they were there, we couldn’t let them into the facility. This directive came from higher-ups outside our location. About a month later, I was asked to let someone into our facility. I asked some follow-up questions, like who they were and such, trying to get the required information. I guess I asked too many questions and came across as a smart ass. My supervisor yelled at me and told me to get my ass out there, essentially dismissing my questions. I nearly broke down on my way to the gate, holding back tears so I wouldn’t look like I was crying as I let the person in.

I did nothing wrong. I was following the orders we had been given weeks earlier by higher-ups—higher up than my supervisor. I was doing the right thing by asking those follow-up questions. I did absolutely nothing wrong, yet I was made to feel like I was nothing but a robot, devoid of any humanity. The trauma I faced as a kid felt like this, or this is what I was feeling during the event. Why is this happening to me, I did nothing wrong, why am I being punished, this feels like a punishment.

So when situations like this come up, that trauma resurfaces. I had a smaller experience at work. I did something that was retracted by my higher-up boss — something we’ve done in the past and something that needed to get done. I even asked permission from another manager beforehand. I did nothing wrong. I did what my job description intended for me to do, but it was rescinded, making me feel like I did something wrong. So that trauma response came up again.

I know I did nothing wrong, and now this task is likely not going to be done, or at least not done well — not like it should be. What stings the most is that this isn’t me overstepping. This job I’ve been tasked with for the past couple of years was assigned to me by these same bosses. It feels like they want me to do the job but won’t give me the authority I need to do it well. Once I saw that email, those emotions came flooding back, and the trauma response activated. It’s frustrating how our minds and bodies react so strongly to something that shouldn't be a big deal, all because of something terrible that happened to us.

I came home today and sat with it — sat with the emotions and feelings. I decided to write this so I could better express what I was feeling. Unlike in the past, where I would ignore these feelings and then suppress them, I sat with them, I listened to them. I’m not the same person anymore, with my walls up and constantly depressed. I’m still haunted by my past, but I’m stronger and better able to understand and express those emotions. Just writing this makes me feel so much better, and proud of what I have accomplished thus far.

Thank you for reading. With support and time, things can get better. It won’t erase what happened, but you can regain control.