Having Fun by Myself
Hello all!
About two weeks ago, I did a card pull of my Wild Woman oracle deck. The card I pulled indicated I needed to be OK being alone with myself. Since pulling that card, I’ve had a couple experiences I want to talk about, and how I got here.
Before I talk about these two events, I want to talk about why this is so hard for me. Why being alone is so hard for me.
I spent so much time locked away, buried behind walls and doors inside my mind. A part of myself, driving the car and trying to keep me safe. It meant I was always alone. Even this part of myself was alone.
When I finally emerged, when I finally was able to be myself, I immediately started focusing on how other people saw me. I began putting my self-worth in the hands of others, putting my happiness in the hands of others.
I realized I started doing this with my first relationship, which started late last year. They were great, and we are still very good friends, but I was putting everything into them. I was latching onto them in a way that only left me wanting more, and I began building resentment when I did not get it.
I don’t know if they realized I was doing this, or if it was for other reasons, but they broke up with me a few months later. We still hang out, and have become closer friends, but they removed the relationship aspect from the equation.
This left me lonelier than I had been before I met them. This is when Lilith stepped in, when she began to direct me with the oracle deck. Before this, I was pulling cards but not really listening. In fact, early in my first relationship, I asked Lilith if it was the right direction for me, and she said no. Funny how she already knew.
So when I began to finally listen to her, she started to guide me. First, it was last month’s card, which got me to start thinking about how I felt about myself. I had never thought about whether I loved myself or not, and that racked me for a month. If your curious, check out my post “New Moon Ritual - Wild Woman Oracle” from Feb 27th. I am happy to say that I do love myself, and I am continuing to work on it.
Then there was her most recent card, being OK by myself. I had been enjoying hanging out with my friends, but I was relying on them to not feel lonely. Any time I would go to an event without them, I would end up hoping and hoping someone would talk to me. I kept hoping that I could make a friend. Then I would end up feeling depressed when that magical person did not come, and I would end up going home crying. Time after time I would do this, put all my sadness into other people.
So, whether strangers or my friends, I was becoming resentful and only hurting myself. Hence, Lilith knocked some sense into me. I’m very happy she did.
This brings me to the two most recent events I went to by myself. The first was a goth night at this local club I had never been to. The club is called Vultures. I went to this event with no expectations. I was only going to go and enjoy myself, no other reason.
You know what happened? I had fun. For the first time going to an event by myself, I had fun. It was kind of awesome! I went and had a couple drinks, vibed out to the music, and watched some sexy pole dancers. All while enjoying the gothy atmosphere. I talked to the host for a few minutes, but other than that I did not talk to anyone, and it was OK.
I got home that night, happy, and in a really good headspace. It was OK that no one talked to me, and it was OK that I went just for the vibes. It was awesome!
The same thing happened to me at the second event I went to alone. I often go to this BDSM/kink club, usually with my friends. Though this time they were out of town. In the past when I went to these events, I just sat alone in a corner and would just get sad. I would end up leaving early, crying my way home. This time was different.
In the same way as the goth event, I went with no expectations. Other than going and having fun. I would not put anything on other people, and you know what, it was fun!
I went and had a few drinks, talked to a few people, some I knew and some I did not. I watched some fun scenes, and vibed to the music. It was OK to be there by myself, it was OK to just have fun and not hope my magical person would show up and save me.
I am super grateful to Lilith for this lesson, as I know I would have jumped into the deep end without looking. I could have ended up with someone who was terrible or abusive. I’m also thankful to my friends for letting me go, so I could find myself.
While I am still learning, I am now better able to handle any future situations. If I do find someone or start dating someone in the future, I won’t just jump in. I won’t put all my happiness and self-worth onto that person. I’ll be able to be my own person, while being with them.
To my future person and my friends, I promise not to put all my feelings on you. I will not become resentful and sour our amazing relationships.
Stay safe out there,
Lily Lulonut