About two weeks ago, I did a card pull of my Wild Woman oracle deck. The card I pulled indicated I needed to be OK being alone with myself. Since pulling that card, I’ve had a couple experiences I want to talk about, and how I got here.

Before I talk about these two events, I want to talk about why this is so hard for me. Why being alone is so hard for me.

I spent so much time locked away, buried behind walls and doors inside my mind. A part of myself, driving the car and trying to keep me safe. It meant I was always alone. Even this part of myself was alone.

When I finally emerged, when I finally was able to be myself, I immediately started focusing on how other people saw me. I began putting my self-worth in the hands of others, putting my happiness in the hands of others.

I realized I started doing this with my first relationship, which started late last year. They were great, and we are still very good friends, but I was putting everything into them. I was latching onto them in a way that only left me wanting more, and I began building resentment when I did not get it.

I don’t know if they realized I was doing this, or if it was for other reasons, but they broke up with me a few months later. We still hang out, and have become closer friends, but they removed the relationship aspect from the equation.

This left me lonelier than I had been before I met them. This is when Lilith stepped in, when she began to direct me with the oracle deck. Before this, I was pulling cards but not really listening. In fact, early in my first relationship, I asked Lilith if it was the right direction for me, and she said no. Funny how she already knew.

So when I began to finally listen to her, she started to guide me. First, it was last month’s card, which got me to start thinking about how I felt about myself. I had never thought about whether I loved myself or not, and that racked me for a month. If your curious, check out my post “New Moon Ritual - Wild Woman Oracle” from Feb 27^th. I am happy to say that I do love myself, and I am continuing to work on it.

Then there was her most recent card, being OK by myself. I had been enjoying hanging out with my friends, but I was relying on them to not feel lonely. Any time I would go to an event without them, I would end up hoping and hoping someone would talk to me. I kept hoping that I could make a friend. Then I would end up feeling depressed when that magical person did not come, and I would end up going home crying. Time after time I would do this, put all my sadness into other people.

So, whether strangers or my friends, I was becoming resentful and only hurting myself. Hence, Lilith knocked some sense into me. I’m very happy she did.

This brings me to the two most recent events I went to by myself. The first was a goth night at this local club I had never been to. The club is called Vultures. I went to this event with no expectations. I was only going to go and enjoy myself, no other reason.

You know what happened? I had fun. For the first time going to an event by myself, I had fun. It was kind of awesome! I went and had a couple drinks, vibed out to the music, and watched some sexy pole dancers. All while enjoying the gothy atmosphere. I talked to the host for a few minutes, but other than that I did not talk to anyone, and it was OK.

I got home that night, happy, and in a really good headspace. It was OK that no one talked to me, and it was OK that I went just for the vibes. It was awesome!

The same thing happened to me at the second event I went to alone. I often go to this BDSM/kink club, usually with my friends. Though this time they were out of town. In the past when I went to these events, I just sat alone in a corner and would just get sad. I would end up leaving early, crying my way home. This time was different.

In the same way as the goth event, I went with no expectations. Other than going and having fun. I would not put anything on other people, and you know what, it was fun!

I went and had a few drinks, talked to a few people, some I knew and some I did not. I watched some fun scenes, and vibed to the music. It was OK to be there by myself, it was OK to just have fun and not hope my magical person would show up and save me.

I am super grateful to Lilith for this lesson, as I know I would have jumped into the deep end without looking. I could have ended up with someone who was terrible or abusive. I’m also thankful to my friends for letting me go, so I could find myself.

While I am still learning, I am now better able to handle any future situations. If I do find someone or start dating someone in the future, I won’t just jump in. I won’t put all my happiness and self-worth onto that person. I’ll be able to be my own person, while being with them.

To my future person and my friends, I promise not to put all my feelings on you. I will not become resentful and sour our amazing relationships.

Stay safe out there,

Lily Lulonut

I thought it would be fun to start a new tradition. Flashback Thursday!

On the last Thursday of each month, I’ll post something from my past. A story I wrote when I was 10, a philosophy paper from college, poetry, whatever feels appropriate for that month.

I’ll post the entire writing, unedited, raw, errors and all. Then, I’ll wrap up the post with a personal reflection.

So, to kick off Flashback Thursday, I thought I’d go back, back to 1994. I would have been around 9 years old, in second grade. I hope you enjoy!

Blackberry Farm

Mrs. Redaction’s class went to Blackberry Farm for a field trip. The time was 8:45 am. I saw a pelican. Me and samantha where waiting for the train. We saw babby chicks. The train ride was fun. The pelicans where pretty colers. The babby chicks where aways chipping.

I saw a pelican. It was walking. It eats fish. It is prety. I Live the pelican.

Me and samantha where waitting for the train. It was different from a real trian. The trian tonnel was big. The trian was fun.

We saw babby chicks. where very small. The babby chicks awas chirpped. They are yellow. The babby chicks are cute.

Are class whent to Blackberry Farm. We saw a pelican. We saw a trian. We saw babby chicks. I like Blackberry Farm. I wish we could go back to Blackberry farm!

I love it! I could not spell baby correctly to save my life, and did you see how I spelled train correctly the first time, but then got it wrong the rest of the time. Ah, 9 year old me, lol.

I unfortunately don’t remember this trip, or most of my childhood for that matter. But it sounds like Samantha and I had a lot of fun. I wonder if we were friends? In fact, I ended up pulling out my old yearbook from that year and looked her up. I thought I would see her face and it would trigger something, but nope. I wish I could remember her. I bet she was a lot of fun to hang out with. I mentioned her 3 times in the writing, so she was important to me.

Reading this really made me wish I could recall the memory. Remember what the place smelled like, how the pelican sounded, if the baby chicks squeaked as they walked. What Samantha and I talked about, what we got up to. Did we follow the baby chicks? That sounds like something I would do. Follow them to see where they are going. Waddle behind them, lol.

Reading this was fun and a little bittersweet. That said, I’m happy I dug it out. It allowed me to take a peek into my past self. I hope you enjoy this monthly tradition. Posting an old writing on the last Thursday of every month.

Stay safe everyone!

Lily Lulonut

The new moon in March just happened, and I have a new card pull to share!

I do a monthly ritual for Lilith, who I worship. During my new moon ritual, I pull a card from my Wild Woman Oracle deck. I use this card as a guide of sorts for the coming month. What Lilith wants me to focus on, or pay attention to.

Last month, I pulled #21, The Morrigan (Sovereignty). The card means, “The Morrigan asks you to stand firmly in your sovereignty… She wants you to develop willpower, grit, integrity and self-respect: qualities that… are only born from overcoming struggle and strife.” (Zárate, p. 73)

For me, the meaning of this card was connected to my own self worth, and how I was not seeing myself. I actually ended up wrestling with the fact that I was unsure if I loved myself or not. Something I had never really thought about until now. I only ever knew resentfulness and hate. I won’t bore you with my life up until a few years ago, but I was not doing well. Thanks Trauma!

Anyway, I started working through those feelings last month, and while I still have a lot of work to do, I feel better about myself and my past. I am on my way to loving myself more and more. Every part of myself.

This leads to this month. You see, this month’s card is also in line with this journey Lilith has put me on. This month’s card is #35, Home At Last (Aloneness). Yea, when I first saw that I started to feel like I would be alone forever. But that’s not necessarily what this card means.

This card reads: “If you have been fearful of venturing out solo... a season of greater aloneness and independence is exactly what your soul needs at this time…. some of the times in our lives when we have most been surrounded by others may have been some of the loneliest…. To be alone, however, is to be fully comfortable and content in one’s own company – and to get to know our Self on a much deeper level.” (Zárate, p. 115)

It all started to make sense when I read this. Lilith knew exactly what I needed to focus on.

I have been feeling especially lonely lately. As of late I have been feeling disconnected from my friends. Like distance has been growing between us. While that may be true, it is also true that I have been focusing on myself more as of late. Instead of yearning for love or to be seen by an outside person, I have been looking for that from myself. Coming back to that learning to love myself aspect.

I realized that I was looking for love from the wrong places. I also attribute this understanding to Lilith. So I have been learning to reconcile those two feelings. Feeling alone, but also understanding that I am not alone. I have been learning to love myself, and be comfortable with being with myself. Something I also never learned to do in my past. Again, thanks Trauma!

So for this month, I need to accept being alone, even when I have others. I may go to events, and hang out with people, but I also will go home alone, to myself, and this needs to be OK. The more I understand my current journey, the more I understand I am not ready to find my person.

Lol, it always comes back to my person. I am the type who will throw my entire being into a relationship. Let how the other person, or persons, see me, be everything that I am. Lose myself in the other person. I need to learn to rely on myself first. I need to love myself, and understand myself.

So for this month, that’s what I will do. I’ll focus on me. Focus on being alone with myself, and being OK. Finding that same happiness I have found with others, with myself this time.

Thanks Lilith for the message. It was hard for me to hear, but I understand. I want to find my person, but I also know I need to do this first. Live with, and love myself.

Lily

Sources
Zárate, Cheyenne. Wild Woman Oracle: Awaken Your True, Free and Soulful Self. Rockpool Publishing, 2022. ISBN: 9781925946833. pp. 73, 115.

Having fun, giggle fit, so much energy!

Connection, connection with people, connection with energy. Connection with the self.

Need to share this energy, I need to fly!

There is a energy inside. Wild, free, giddy. A energy constantly being held back, being told to stay quite. Must conform.

Pain is fun, oh more pain please! Pleasure is also fun, oh more pleasure please!

The only way I can describe is, fae. A energy that wants more, wants faster, wants everything all at once. This energy, these emotions, scream for more. Scream for freedom.

Wwwwwwwweeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

Then there is the world, humans, humanity. Broken, corrupt. Play by the rules, hold back. I scream out into the world, I don’t want to hold back. But, there is understanding.

Dont stop, dont ever stop. Keep going forever and ever!

Not alone in the world, others, slow down. Rules that must be followed. I don’t mind, I understand, but I yearn.

Please don’t stop, please keep going!

Fae energy, unstoppable, insatiable. Need more, wish for more. Tears flow, alone. Happy.

Let me tell you about an important part of myself, his name is Steven.

He existed to keep me safe, to keep me from being hurt. He held all my pain, all my sorrow.

He did not always make the right decisions, but he always made them with me in mind. He did his best with what he had, and made sure to keep moving forward.

He kept to himself, never made many friends. Though the friends he did make were amazing people. Friends that are now my friends. People that care for us, and support us.

He did make good decisions, decisions that would help us heal and grow. He sought out help when it all became too much for him. He recognized that he was no longer able to keep me safe by himself.

He was able to let himself become less, to slip away. He stepped aside, allowing me to emerge from my cocoon I had been wrapped in for decades.

As my role grew and grew, he went away. I began to ignore him. I took him for granted, and tried to forget him. I did not appreciate him for what he did, what he accomplished.

He was strong, keeping all that pain and anger away from me. Protecting me from the world until I was ready to join it. He was a good person.

I forgot about him, pushed him away. But now I see him again. I see him for the person he was, for the person he is. He was my protector, and he is still my protector. He may protect from the shadows now, but his influence is still there.

I appreciate him, love him. I protect him, keep him safe. We keep each other safe. Now the pain and fear—they are mine to hold. I am strong thanks to him, prepared to hold them. I am able to lighten them, understand them, integrate them.

Thank you Steven. Thank you for being there for me, for keeping me safe.

Lily.

I'd say I started dreaming about this village around the same time that I started discovering magick and the occult. Though given the vibes of this village, it's not too surprising.

This village is nestled up next to a mountain. If you were to enter the village from the direction I always have, the mountains would be to the right.

This village has a lot of unique aspects to it. For one, there are no cars. There is a road, but its like what roads used to be, for pedestrians and not for cars. So the entire village has to be walked to get anywhere.

The village is also long, as in the main throughway is the center of town. With houses, shops, businesses, everything on both sides of the throughway.

The buildings are an interesting aspect, varied in design and size. Think buildings that are older America, or European. Perhaps even some eastern type buildings. Honestly, the more I think about it, the more I think it has buildings from all over the world. But older, less modern. Simple.

The people are quirky and wonderful. They are friendly and always willing to assist. They also don't care if I am flying through town on my broom or not. It's like they have seen it all, and seeing a witch fly through town is no big deal.

I have traveled down the main throughway multiple times, on multiple occasions. I remember going into the village on a night of celebration, perhaps a festival of some kind. I have explored the village at night, enjoying the night life. I have visited on random days when everything is just normal. Every visit is different.

Every time I have visited this village, I was looking for a place to stay. A place where I could stay and just write. Live in this town and be a writer. Live in my very witchy home, be a crazy witch lady, and write books. Everyone here is a writer, or wants to be a writer. Though this is more of a stereotype, and likely not true for all its residents. But it is true enough, and more so for me.

Though, as many times as I have explored the village looking for a place to live, I've never found the right place. I've even spent time in this village looking to rent a room, just so I could live there, get started.

I had forgotten this village, I had not thought about it in so long. Then out of nowhere, I dreamt about it. As usual, I was looking for a place to live. Any old place where I could get started.

I woke up this morning happy, so happy to have found this village again. Like remembering a long lost love I used to have. It was wonderful!

I don't know if this place exists. I don't know the name, or perhaps I used to know it and have forgotten. But now that I have reconnected with it, I want to return. I want to explore, and perhaps find my place there.

Lily Lulonut

I am a worshiper of Lilith, and the new moon is her night. It’s not always a big ritual, sometimes it can be simple. When I do go all out, you will find me surrounded by candles, sitting in front of her altar, magical tools all about. It’s a fun time.

The one thing that I do every month, regardless of the size of the ritual, is pull from my oracle deck. I have this cute oracle deck called the “Wild Woman Oracle.” It’s a cute deck with lots of bad-ass women in it. Created by Cheyenne Zarate.

It’s described on the back as “The essence of the Wild Woman Oracle is feminine, dark, witchy… like the Dark Feminine, which is… honest, direct and powerful.”

Every month I pull from it, and use the card that is pulled as guidance for the month ahead. A beacon of sorts, something that Lilith can use to guide me in the right direction.

This month, I pulled #21, The Morrigan (Sovereignty). It always seems like Lilith is 5 steps ahead of me, as this card already was connecting to a feeling I was having a few days before the new moon. She is very good at reading me.

The card means, “The Morrigan asks you to stand firmly in your sovereignty… She wants you to develop willpower, grit, integrity and self-respect: qualities that… are only born from overcoming struggle and strife.” (Zárate, p. 73)

The part that hit me the most was the bit about self-respect, something I have had trouble with for as long as I have been alive. Even now after finding myself after so many years, learning to love myself and enjoy life, it’s hard for me to look in the mirror and see something to be desired. Whether by myself or someone else.

It’s funny how easy it is to wave someone off when they give me a compliment, or tell me I’m pretty or sexy. It’s so easy to say, ‘uh huh, sure’. I instead should be saying ‘thank you’, or ‘you know it’. I love myself so much more than I ever have in the past. I’m more comfortable in my own skin, to the point that I often find myself fully or mostly undressed in front of others, thanks to my Lady and the BDSM club. It’s crazy how easy it is for me to just drop trow, and not be too bothered by it.

I have come a long way in my journey, and I need to do better at acknowledging that. Letting myself accept who I have become, instead of worrying about every little thing.

I was already considering all this, already trying to accept myself as a bad-ass woman, and then this card landed on my lap. Almost like Lilith was saying, ‘yea, you’re a bad-ass, now stop denying it you dummy.’ lol. She has always been good at pushing me when I need it.

She saw that my mind was already beginning to focus on a new task, and she came in and cemented it in my mind. She read me and pushed me to think about this more than I likely would have otherwise. This is why I do this every new moon, why I pull a card from the deck. And so my monthly ritual came to an end, and I have my guidance for the next month. Ill spend it trying to accept myself more, see and accept what others see in me. Stop putting myself down, and start building myself up.

Thank you Lilith!

Sources
Zárate, Cheyenne. Wild Woman Oracle: Awaken Your True, Free and Soulful Self. Rockpool Publishing, 2022. ISBN: 9781925946833. p. 73.

I was talking to a tarot card reader a couple of weeks ago, and we got to talking about relationships. Not too surprising, given it was a tarot reading, lol.

My biggest issue has been finding someone. Finding that person who fits me, and I fit them. We're best friends, and we finish each other’s ‘sandwiches’. That’s the idea anyway.

However, I have a big problem: I’ve never been in a relationship. So I have zero experience with what I want from a partner. I’m a couple of ’90s movie clichés at once. ‘40-Year-Old Virgin’ and ‘Never Been Kissed’ wrapped up in one package. I’ve only ever been on two dates in my life, and neither went further than a single meet-up.

This is where the advice from the tarot reader comes in. I need to make a list. That way, I have a better idea of what I’d want in a partner. I can’t manifest my person if I don’t know who that person might be.

So let’s create a list. Something to better bring my person into focus. To manifest them into my life. Below is my list, and I put it out into the universe with this blog post. My person, whoever you are, let’s go on a date!

Someone who:

• Is kind

• Is funny

• Is a witch

• Has black hair

• Is beautiful

• Is handy

• Will watch anime with me

• Is outgoing and an extrovert

• Is a woman or nonbinary person (parts don’t matter)

• Has goth or alt style

• Will take charge, but sometimes let me take charge

• Will go along with my crazy ideas

• Will go on adventures with me

• Will laugh at my stupid jokes

• Is gentle and firm at the same time

• Is successful in their career or path

• Will sing a duet with me

• Is a similar age to me

• Is honest and open

• Will let me snuggle whenever I want

• Will rock my world

Stay safe, everyone!

I know they happened though, even if I wish they hadn’t. I can’t quite grasp them. For me, they exist as blurred-out images, like those old Polaroid pictures. The ones that would print in an instant. They used to be hung on the wall of the room I can't escape. Now, they only exist in my mind.

Doorways to memories.

I sometimes try to think of how it was before. Before it all started.

Why did he pick me?

What was it that he saw?

I don’t know if what I’m about to write is truth or fiction, but it is an image of my emotions and feelings in this moment. There is likely some truth in it.

Sitting on the floor was a little boy. Though, not really a little boy. Too young to understand themselves yet. Too young to even understand gender.

Their name was…

They were playing with some toys on the floor. Maybe they were playing with dolls, dolls that their sister usually played with.

Sitting next to them was a woman, family. She was on the floor playing with the child.

She decided to ask a question. Nothing serious, just a silly question you ask a small child.

“Do you like your name?”

The child looked at her for a moment, considering the question, and then answered.

“It’s okay, I guess.”

The woman was confused for a moment, expecting something more carefree and affirming.

The child kept playing for another minute before the woman decided to ask again.

“Is there a name you like better?”

The child stopped playing and took another moment to think. Really using their brain to come up with an answer.

Then, just like that:

“I like lilies.”

The child and woman are playing, but there is someone else in the room. Someone who, until now, hadn’t really been involved or even present.

An older man, simply watching the exchange.

In that moment of clarity, that moment of seeing the child, something shifted.

For this man, something more perverse began to creep in.

This child became something he could take advantage of.

Something to be warped, molded, corrupted.

A toy the man could play with.

A toy the man could break...

I’ve been pacing in my house for the last 30 minutes thinking about this scene. It’s stuck in my head like a terrible thought I can’t get rid of.

I don’t think this scene happened quite like that, if it happened at all. But it feels like the way it all began. In reality, there’s probably no reason. He was just a terrible person.

I do feel a little better though. It feels like I got something out that was stuck. Cleared out the cobwebs maybe.

Maybe it will help remove the blur from those terrible images, or maybe it will help things finally flow.

Thank you for reading. And if this resonated with you, I’m sorry.

You are strong, and you are brave.

Stay safe.

Lily

I hope everyone is taking care of themselves!

Let’s talk about touch, human touch that is.

So what kind of touch am I talking about? Let’s list out various forms, from the most basic to the more intimate: handshakes, hugs, dental exams, physicals, hand-holding, general non-sexual touching, kissing, and all other, more intimate kinds of touch. Many of these are simple, but for some of us, it's not so simple. It feels distant.

Something as simple as a yearly physical is mundane for many people. For others, it's rare. I fall into this category of being touch-starved. Whenever I get a physical or go to the dentist, I'm reminded how little human interaction I actually have. Due to past traumas, I’ve kept myself locked away for decades. Never letting myself get too close to people, never allowing hugs or other basic forms of touch. I always had to protect myself, but that also meant I missed out on a lot of firsts. Holding the hand of someone I cared for, kissing someone, or even sex itself.

I often wonder, when I am finally able to be intimate with someone, will it be too overwhelming? Not in a bad way, but in a happy, break down crying kind of way. Will I ruin the mood. I know, with the right person that should not be an issue, but its still something that builds up in my head. Its hard to ignore sometimes.

I was talking to my therapist about all this, and she recommended touch therapy, even something as simple as getting a massage. Not from her, of course, but by going somewhere. Not in a sexual way, just a human touch kind of way. She even recommended I check out a local BDSM club. I’m not sure how that connection fits, since I’m not part of that community, but it likely has to do with consent and forms of touch-based connection or play.

I’m so happy I’m in a better place now compared to how I was before, but it also means there’s a lot of uncertainty for me. This all makes me more nervous now, because now real touch is actually a possibility. I will say, I so badly want to be touched. Not just in a sexual way. I need a cuddle. LOL, there’s a local cuddle puddle group I may need to check out. I keep seeing their events pop up.

I’m more than ready to enjoy touch, even if it still feels distant and difficult at times. If there are other touch-starved folks out there, let’s start a cuddle puddle! LOL

Stay safe!

Bad Lily. lol

I was sitting in bed, unable to fall asleep, and felt like writing. So let's write some stuff.

I have been thinking about passing lately. For those who do not know, for us trans folks, when we say passing, we mean we blend in to the point that people would not know we are trans. It is like the golden standard for a lot of trans folks. Not all, of course. There are those who are very confident in themselves, regardless of what others think. I don’t fall into that category. I want to be seen as a cis woman.

Like a lot of trans folks, I see myself in the mirror and criticize everything. I see the male bone structure in my face. I see the five o'clock shadow. I see the body shape I have. All of these things run through my head. When I am not looking in a mirror, I can often feel myself. Then when people are interacting with me, or looking at me, it feels like all they see is the man. It's not all the time, but it does happen often.

I do see the woman inside often in the mirror, in those quick, unguarded glances, when I’m not over-analyzing everything. Also, for some reason, I think I look super cute in the shower. With my hair wet and combed back, wet face, freshly shaved beard. It's often when I look the most feminine to myself.

I mention all this because when I think of myself most of the time, I don’t believe that I pass. I think most people look at me and can tell. It weighs on my mind every day. Yet, in my experience, I have not been misgendered in the last 5 months or so. The only people who have misgendered me are people who knew me from before, and they still recognize my old self. So I will occasionally get he/him, or even sometimes even dead-named. Though I will say, most of the time I give them a pass, as they are getting better.

A recent example of me being gendered out in public was while on a hike. I went on a hike to a state park. No skirt or overly feminine clothes, as I needed to wear something comfortable. So I got some good pants, a cute outdoor long sleeve shirt that's good for hiking, and a cute sun hat. I figured I did not come close to passing. Yet, while on the hike, I was not misgendered. I even ran into a dad and his son on the hike and was asked to take their pic. I was gendered correctly by the father and treated like a woman. It was wonderful.

So then, do I pass? Well, I would say no, but my experience would say otherwise. Truth is, I can't tell. It feels weird to ask folks I know if I pass. I would not want to ask those who knew me from before, though. Just feels like a weird question to ask.

Though even asking, I don’t think it will really answer my question. So for now, I think I will just have to keep moving forward. If things don’t change, then perhaps I do pass, for the most part.

Thanks for reading.

I legitimately don’t know what to write. I feel like there’s something I need to get down, yet I can’t quite find the feeling. So this post may be a bit unhinged.

A few months ago, I was doing really well. I was happy, thriving, and learning. I was about to come out at work. I was doing more fun activities. I was taking care of myself, exercising, and feeling good. Mentally, physically, and spiritually, I was in a great place, still improving, but genuinely enjoying life.

Then a terrible thought entered my mind. I won’t go into details, but it has to do with trauma I likely experienced when I was young. I’ve dealt with bullying in grade school, but this was something worse.

I wasn’t remembering, but I also wasn’t daydreaming. It was like this thought hit my brain and refused to leave. It consumed me. I kept trying to force myself to think about other things, but nothing worked. It started on a Sunday, and I couldn’t stop it all day. It began to cripple me.

Luckily, I had therapy the next day. In hindsight, the timing makes sense. My body and mind knew I was in a good place, strong. They also knew I was going to my safe space the next day, so they decided that moment was it.

That therapy session only cemented my suspicion that what I was thinking likely did happen. My body language was incredibly defensive and nervous. While talking about these “memories,” I was scared, pinching my arm the entire time. It was not good. Given how I reacted just talking about it, I knew it wasn’t just a daydream.

It’s funny, I say memories, but the truth is I’m still denying them. I haven’t let myself experience them fully, to the point that I’m unsure.

After that, I spiraled into a long depressive episode. It felt like slipping back into old habits. I spent months feeling bad, neglecting my health, and struggling.

The best way I can describe it is like a PTSD episode, something I couldn’t stop. I’ve gotten better and worked through some of it in therapy, but I still haven’t faced the trauma. When I first worked through my experiences with bullying, I wanted to move forward. Remembering more felt like the only way to heal. Once I accepted what happened, my egg cracked. It was a relief.

This time is different. This time, I am scared. This time, I am fighting against remembering. This time feels darker and so much worse. It has crippled me.

Right now, I’m not ready to go through that door. I need to build myself back up, to reach a place where I feel ready to face it. I know it will hurt, and I worry it will destroy me. But I also know I am strong, and I have the resources to face it when the time comes.

So yeah, I think that’s what I needed to get off my chest. I needed to express these fears. If you made it this far, thank you. I appreciate it.

Alright, so today, I want to talk about sexual preference. This has been on my mind a lot lately, and my therapist even mentioned that maybe I'm entering my dating phase. Lol.

To start with, I have zero experience. Like, truly zero. I’ve only ever been on two dates in my life. The first was with a girl I was friends with in high school. She was awesome, a very good friend. I asked her to my employer’s Christmas party in Chicago, which was a large gathering. After that, we went for coffee at a local café. That was it. No kiss, no follow-up, no further dates. I’d say I was interested, and she was not. I think I ruined that friendship.

The second date happened when I was in college after I got out of the military. A girl asked me out, and we ended up going to the mall, playing some mini-golf, and just hanging out for a while. Nothing came of it, no further dates. She was very into me, but I wasn’t into her. At the time, I was nearing 30, and she was 18. I ruined that one by blowing her off because I didn’t know how to let someone down. I still don’t.

So, I’ve never been in a relationship and have never even been on a second date. That brings me to physical intimacy. As you may have guessed, I also have zero experience in that area. I’ve only ever kissed two girls. The first was in grade school, and it was a dare, quick and weird.

The second was in the military, during someone else’s birthday at a bar. That was also the first time I ever got drunk. People knew I was a virgin, and they egged me on about it all the time. There was a girl in the military with us, and once I was very drunk, they encouraged us to kiss. They also pressured me to fondle her with my mouth. That is the most intimate I have ever been with someone.

So, like I said, I have no experience, which makes it hard to say for sure what my preferences are.

So, What Are My Preferences?

When it comes to women, I find them attractive. I don’t care about genitalia, just the feminine figure. This could also apply to a man with very feminine features.

Men are a different story. I am not immediately attracted to the masculine form. That said, I’ve come to understand that I am likely demisexual when it comes to men. There are men I find attractive or get giddy about, but I have to know them first or have some kind of connection. That initial attraction just isn’t there.

I’ve seen this play out on dating apps. When it comes to men, I almost never swipe on them. Since initial communication is usually based on looks, that makes sense. With women, I tend to swipe more often. However, I never seem to do well on dating apps. Not because of how I look or anything, but I think people can tell when you don’t fully see yourself. Confidence and all that.

Am I Entering My Dating Phase?

I don’t know. I don’t know what I would even do if someone asked me out. I don’t think I could tell if someone was flirting with me or not. Signals? What signals?

So, what is a girl supposed to do? Is it even possible for me to date? Will I end up the 40-year-old virgin? Honestly, that doesn’t bother me as much as it did when I was masking as a man.

Those are my thoughts on sexual preference. Thanks for sticking around. Stay safe!

Mary was a sweet girl, always laughing and smiling. No matter the person, place, or situation, she was always smiling.

Mary just turned six years old today and was excitedly awaiting the birthday party her mother was preparing. She had chosen her cutest dress to wear, a rose-covered sundress with pink fabric. Her hair was tied up in pigtails, and by her side was her trusty exploring bag.

You see, Mary loved to explore the woods behind her house. She would spend hours playing, gathering all kinds of fun things and bringing them home. Her mother was not a fan of her adventures, but somehow, she always lost track of Mary.

Today was special. Now that she was six years old, her mother was finally letting her explore the woods without complaint.

As Mary stepped outside and looked toward the trees, the sun shone brightly above, and a cool breeze rustled through the leaves. She had the biggest smile on her face. An adventure awaited her, and afterward, there would be birthday cake and games. Today truly was a special day!

As she happily skipped through the woods, occasionally picking up a pretty rock or a funny-shaped stick, she came upon a small clearing. She had never seen this part of the woods before and curiously made her way into the opening.

Stepping into the sunlight, she saw something in the center of the clearing, a fallen log shaped like an arch, almost like a doorway from a fairy tale. Leaves and vines hanging down from it. Perhaps it was a door, Mary thought.

As she approached the log, a voice echoed from all around her.

"I’d avoid entering that if I were you, little one."

Mary spun around, trying to find the source of the voice. Then, sitting atop the arch-shaped log, she saw a beautiful girl with wings like a butterfly. Blues and pinks shimmered in the sunlight.

Mary gave the butterfly girl a determined look and proudly exclaimed, "I’m not afraid! I’m the greatest explorer that ever lived!"

The butterfly girl tilted her head. "That portal leads to a magical place full of faeries and adventure. But don’t be fooled, within it also lies pain and anguish. It is not for the faint of heart, little one."

Mary huffed and frowned at the butterfly girl.

As she contemplated entering the portal, she thought of her mother and how worried she would be if she knew Mary had embarked on such a dangerous adventure. But then, Mary thought about all the adventures she had been on before, and she couldn’t stop smiling at the possibilities of this new place.

She sat down in the grass and thought. And thought some more. You could almost see the steam rising from her little ears. At first, she looked more and more frustrated, but then, suddenly, her face lit up with a smile.

Mary stood up and brushed the grass from her skirt. She took a deep breath and looked up at the butterfly girl. Then, with a triumphant grin, she stuck out her tongue at her and skipped straight into the portal…

Traveling to adventures unknown, with a smile on her face.

Lily Lulonut

Today, I am jumping into part 2 of my name change process here in El Paso County.

I will say, this will be shorter than the first post, but I wanted to make sure to come back and update you. My name change journey has been much longer than I hoped.

The first bit of information I have is on how long it took El Paso County to process the name change. They originally told me it would be about 1–3 weeks. I figured it would be closer to 3 weeks, especially with the holidays. It ended up taking closer to two months. I called several times throughout. It took about 4 weeks for the judge to even begin processing, then another 3ish weeks before it was approved and I got the notification.

So, needless to say, I was not pleased with the time it took. I really wanted to get the paperwork and such before President Orange took office so I could submit my passport renewal. Once I got the name change paperwork, I worked on getting my Social Security info updated and sending my passport application. The Social Security is by appointment only, but it does not take long to get one.

As for my passport, it has been received, but at this point, I doubt I'll ever see it again. Luckily, the passport I sent was expired, but getting a renewal is likely not in my future. If I do happen to get a renewed passport, it will more than likely say "male" on it. At this point, I have let that part go.

I was able to get a new driver’s license, REAL ID and all. I got the new Social Security card and was able to get my gender changed before the current policies went into place. I have also sent the application paperwork to have my birth certificate changed, name and gender.

So, all in all, things are going well, but very slowly. Slower than I’d have liked. I think I had hoped to get everything done in a month or two, but it is not going that fast. My legal name may have changed, but there are still things with my old name just because of slow processes. I am on my way to being fully me.

Well, that’s the update. Thanks for checking it out!

I hope you are doing well.

I have been putting off writing this post for a while now. As you can tell from the title, this post is about who I am. The hardest thing to write about I think. I am not going to post a picture of myself on this one, as it's not about what I look like in a picture. That said, you can find plenty on my BlueSky. This post is all about my words. So let's dive in, shall we?

Who I Am

Hi, my name is Lily Lulonut. I am forever 39 years old, and I am a trans woman. I am also a badass witch and a worshiper of the mighty Lilith!

Interests and Hobbies

I am a purveyor of anime, DUB for life! I have been enjoying more manga lately and found some good LGBTQA+ friendly ones. I enjoy fantasy in general, from books to video games. I also enjoy some fantasy with a side of DnD! 🎲 You have got to try some fantasy with your DnD, very good. I’m a writer, and I love to travel; I just need to do it more.

Alt and Goth Style

I am for sure Alt, likely on the gothy side. I always enjoyed the goth looks, more so for the woman. Shocking, I know, you mean you wished you could dress like a goth girl from a young age, yea yea, I should have figured it out sooner. But now is my time. As I have been buying more clothes, I have gravitated toward that aesthetic. My only wish as I explore this side of myself is to have someone to guide me. Jumping in without knowing anyone is difficult. Sure, I can buy black outfits and dye my hair black with highlights, but that's just the tip. I want to mix it with the witchy theme and have a fun time. Hot Topic for life! It's funny; I always really liked going into Hot Topic but always avoided it. The things I wanted to look at were not in line with the male persona I had created. Now I have an account and am fucking loving it! Gift idea: Cute Hot Topic stuff or gift card.

Love for Spooky Things

I have always liked spooky things and gravitated toward them. Halloween is my favorite holiday, and even when it is over, I still go spooky. The Nightmare Before Christmas is my jam! Now I can dress up as Sally if I want to, if I can get a sewing machine and some skill. So many cute ideas! Next year for Halloween and Christmas, I want to decorate my house with Nightmare Before Christmas stuff. Then I don't have to take down my decorations and can just add Santa hats and reindeer! Bridge that gap. I at least plan on doing that at work, for my desk. Spooky all year round!

Helpful Nature and Career

I am a helpful person, always willing to volunteer to help with something. If someone asked for help, I would tend to put my hand up first. The military jaded me a bit on this for a few years, but I found my way back to being the caring person I am. I am better at not letting myself be a doormat, but genuinely enjoy helping people. I think that's why I gravitated toward the career I have. My dream is to combine that love of helping with writing, and mix in lots of travel. Hence why I created this blog, at least partially.

Writing Journey

It's funny about the writing. I never was good at it. My grammar sucked… still does, and I never thought I could be good at it. When I went to college, I had to take an English/Writing course, as one does. I enjoyed it a lot, and I got an A in that class. That shocked me. When I was looking for classes to join, I ended up taking an English/Writing 2 class, and I did not even need it to graduate or anything. As I was working toward my Philosophy degree, I took the occasional writing class. As I was considering my minor, I realized writing was the only fun option as I had most of the credits already. So I decided to get my minor in Creative Writing. It's funny how that happens sometimes. With the advent of more advanced spell checkers, I don't have to worry as much about grammar and can focus on the creativity aspect of it.

Social Life and Happiness

I am a happy person, at least now I am, lol. I love life. I love talking to people and socializing, though I am terrible at it due to no practice for most of my life. Before my egg cracked, I had severe social anxiety, so I just never talked to people more than the occasional ‘the weather is nice today’. I don't think I was ever a shy person. I just think circumstances forced me to be a certain way to protect myself. If people did not know about me, then they could not hurt me. I like being social and I want to do all the things. Hang out with my girlfriends, go shopping, go out to eat, all of it! What is that saying? ‘Live, laugh, love’? Sure, it may be a bit basic, but that's who I am becoming. I have not smiled so much in my life than I have in the last year or so.

Combining Old and New Life

It's funny, I have always had trouble describing myself, for as long as I can remember, and now I have so much to say I am actually having to slow down so this does not become a book, lol. I wanted to write this partially for myself, but also for my family. Very soon I will begin combining my old life with my new life. Making myself into one single, awesome woman. In all aspects of my life, I will be out and will be Lily. As part of that, I plan on sharing this blog with my family so they can better see me. Right now, distance is keeping them from seeing the real me, and I want to bridge that gap.

Call to Action

I challenge you to write something like this for yourself, even if you never share it. Write down who you are, even if you have trouble with it. Come back to it until you finish. You might find something in that writing that will help you with whatever goals you are currently exploring.

Stay safe out there, everyone!

So, how does one, girl?

OMG, I wish I knew!!! Look, I have been transitioning for about 9 months or so. I have no girlfriends or any family in the area, so I'm a lonely trans girl. That's fine, but it does mean I have no one to turn to, no one to ask, "how do I girl?" I'm figuring out makeup, I think, though I only have myself to judge. Fashion though, omg. Like, what is a shirt, and what kind of pants? I think I have figured out my size thanks to Amazon, but that does not help figure out what would look good.

I am floundering a bit on this. Luckily, I have not had to worry about it too much, but the more I transition, the more I want to figure it out. I don’t want to wear the same thing every day; that’s what I did in the before times. I wore pants of some kind, a t-shirt, and a button-up shirt over that, not buttoned up. Sometimes I changed it up and wore just the t-shirt, and sometimes I wore the button-up, buttoned up. So my sense of style is non-existent.

These days I wear some kind of pants, though pants are hard and I have no idea what styles there are and what to get that will look good on me. I wear a t-shirt, though more feminine. And I am wearing a cardigan. I have like 5 of the same cardigans in different colors. So as you can tell, my style has not changed at all. Sure, the clothes I am wearing are women’s clothes, and look more feminine, but nothing else changes.

Today was a bit different. I bought a black, cute poncho thing. I fell in love right away because it looked good on me and it was different. Though now I want to wear it all the time, but I want other styles too. Ack, why are clothes so hard?

Next week, I have an interview for my current job. Promotions and government do not mix. No big deal, but what do I wear? I don’t have anything more than casual or business casual. I got rid of all my boy clothes. So I need to go to the store and see if I can find something. Likely no skirts or anything because I am not out yet. So something feminine and professional, while not an outright dress.

This brings me back to the lack of girlfriends or anything. I have no one to go shopping with. No one to help me pick out outfits or help me figure out what works. I am going to have to go out alone this weekend, to some stores and just look at things. Shopping in stores is scary. Like, this is the thing friends can help with. And what about dressing rooms? Ahhhh!

I have thought about asking one of my coworkers at work. There are two who I might feel comfortable asking to go shopping with me. That feels just as scary as going shopping by myself though. It has been on my mind a lot though, and I may end up asking.

I think this post was a bit more rambly than I thought it would be going into it. I also don’t think I have any kind of point this time. Fashion is hard if you have zero experience or friends to help guide you. Whelp, time to woman up I guess, lol.

Thanks all!

I have been a good girl this year. I've grown as a person, made friends, and helped a lot of people. I have tried not to be rude and not to yell at people. I may have slipped on occasion, but overall I have been good.

For the past few years my wish has been to be transformed into a girl. Well, I have come to realized that wish in the last year. So this year I don't think ill wish for that. Though the ability to transform into a biological woman would be nice. lol.

This year I would like to ask for my dream job. To find it, and be able to do it full time. I want to be a writer, and to travel the world. That has always been my dream. However, having income is important in this world. So I would like to find something that allows me to follow my dream, while being able to support myself. That is my wish.

I hope you have been well, and I wish you a very merry Christmas. May the cookies not be stale, and the milk flow like water.

Lily.

PS. I did not put up any decorations this year, or a Christmas tree. I apologize for that, and I hope to be more festive next year. Also, can I ride the Polar Express? Thanks!

My name is Lily. Today I am going to talk about my name change journey in Colorado Springs, El Paso County Colorado.

To start off with, most of my information before starting came from the Name Change Project. They have instructions for changing your name and gender marker in Colorado. All the legal hoops you will have to jump through, and steps to follow. You can find their website here at Name Change Project. I highly recommend using them as a guide. They are great and I highly recommend donating if you can.

For my specific case, I filled as an adult, non-felon. There are different methods depending on if you are a felon, or are a minor. Make sure you select the choice that fits you. When it comes to legal things like this, best to follow the instructions.

My next step was to get the Federal Bureau (FBI) and Colorado Bureau of Investigation (CBI) background checks. These are needed to summit the petition to the courts to change your name. Get these first, they are good for 90 days for the name change petition. If you try to do the name change paperwork with the courts first, they will ask for these.

For both of these background checks you can use Colorado Finger Printing. This was not too difficult to setup. I made an account and followed the instructions to setup the fingerprinting. Keep in mind there are costs when requesting these backgrounds, so be prepared for that. I managed to get an appointment within a week, and it only took a few min to do. No ink required! Easy lunchtime activity if you work during the day.

The FBI check will come via email. The important bit is once you open the link they send you, you have 24 hours before it disappears. So save, Save, SAVE! I got this the next day, though results may vary. The CBI took longer and came via snail mail. This took between 1 to 2 weeks for me to get. For me these where both just letters stating nothing criminal was found, single page each.

Once you have both of these then you can move onto the big thing, paperwork!!! For this part, follow the Name Change Project Instructions. They have a form generator to help with filling in the paperwork. I used it and it worked great. I just had to save and print it out. Don't sign it yet. You will need to sign it at the court house in front of the clerk. You will be signing it with your current legal name.

Once I had all the required paperwork, I took the day off work. I traveled down to the El Paso County Judicial Building located at 270 S Tejon St Colorado Springs, CO 80903. It can be hectic to find parking, I ended up parking on the street a block away. Remember to bring change or have the parking app/website ready. I paid for two hours, but only needed like 30 min. When you enter the building you will need to go through security and a metal detector. Lowkey TSA.

Once past security I headed left, toward the Clerk's Office, Room S101. It was down the hall and to the right. Signs a plenty. You wont need an appointment or a court date, you can just walk in. They do have a few windows and you have to wait in a line before being called up. It took me less than 15 min before talking to a clerk. I handed him my paperwork and he did his thing. Keep in mind there is a fee for this as well.

When he was finished he gave me a receipt with my case number on it. This way I can call to get updates if needed. They let me know it would take about 1 to 3 weeks to get. I would get the name change paperwork in the mail. That's where I am sitting now, waiting for my paperwork to come. Then I get to work on the 50 other things ill need to change. Once finished at the court house I went and saw Wicked in the theater. I also got me some cute pajama pants at Hot Topic. All in all, a very successful day.

I hope this helps those in El Paso County with their name change. I went into this blind on the court side. The Name Change Project was great, but lacking specific info for my county. I hope this can help others in my area, lesson the anxiety a bit. Next step is to tell work, oh boy. Wish me luck!

Stay safe!

The legal process isn't why this is hard. It's what it means for me socially. Ever since I began this journey of transitioning, I have always maintained a final barrier of sorts. Once my name is legally changed, I am out to everyone, no more hiding. I have come out to my friends, my family, and a few others. The one place I have not come out yet is at work. Work has been the last place I wanted to come out.

I spend most of my day there, it's a big part of my life, even if I don’t always like it. Changing my name always meant coming out at work. Of course, I'd need to tell HR. They would need to change my info in their systems and update my health insurance. I would also need to tell my direct manager and my director, as they would see the change implemented. I’d have no more reason to hold back, so why not go all in? My badge would change, and my email would change. Things would start to be processed and move ahead.

Originally, I planned on changing my name and coming out this upcoming spring. That's the time-frame I had in my head. But then the election happened. I need to protect myself as best I can. I want to travel in the upcoming years, go to other countries. I want to grow and fully embrace myself. The upcoming political environment could put an end to that just as I am becoming. So I need to change my name now and get my passport now. It may not fully protect me, but it's better than not doing it. So my timeline has moved up.

I know I am ready, and I don’t mind people knowing now. Shoot, I would not be surprised if a lot already knew; I haven't been hiding the changes. It's still a big step though. I don’t know how things will go, but I can’t wait any longer. I need to get things going as soon as possible to better survive the upcoming government. I'll do what is necessary to make sure Lily has a chance to fully emerge. Even if my current self is a bit hesitant, future me will thank me.

So yeah, that’s why it’s a bit scary. There is nothing holding me back now, other than myself. It's time to come out of the shadows. Whatever happens will happen, and all I can do is move ahead. I know I won’t lose my job or anything, but relationships may change. But fuck it, let's do it. I plan on printing out all the paperwork I need tomorrow and choosing a day to go into court. I'll call to make sure I am doing the right steps. Wish me luck, I'll keep this blog updated as I move ahead.